I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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