Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
