I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
