He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize