I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
