so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize