based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
