There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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