Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
