shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
