Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
