Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
