She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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