This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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