Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
