running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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