i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize