If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
