I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
