Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
