what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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