3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
