so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
