just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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