Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
