Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
