if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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