Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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