I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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