I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
