look no pants
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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