Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
