he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
