I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
