Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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