I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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