I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
