i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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