literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
