toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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