If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
