my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
