I hate your face
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
did i walk over a car last night?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
