I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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