I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
