I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
