oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sarcasm needs its own font
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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