To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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