i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
