My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
