so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
