he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
