Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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