sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
