i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He kissed a someone with a penis
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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