I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
