From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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