I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
