new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
