it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
