i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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